During date 12/100 I started talking with my dates gal pals and they were curious as to why I was doing this project. And I that moment I came to a major realization:
This is about coping with loss.
On January 10th 2014, just 5 months ago my family lost our dad. This was completely unexpected, he was just days away from his 50th birthday. I was still in Seattle when I got the call around 10 AM. I got on a plane to SF a few hours later.
My dad and I had a tumultuous relationship ever since I was a kid. We could never see eye to eye and conversations often turned into me staring into space while he told me he was right and I was wrong. I would shut down. Weeks of silence followed these episodes. Ultimately my mom would come to me and ask me to please please apologize. So I would.
Now when I was in 5th grade going through all of the awkwardness Jr. High has to offer my dad approached me for a talk. He told me that I was fat and boys would never marry a fat girl. This stung. It stung a lot and it’s never left me. Later on in life as an adult he revealed to me that when I was a kid he didn’t love me because of my weight. He apologized.
From 5th grade to 8th my dad worked on me. I had to run the Fort Funston trail and run up and down that goddamn sand hill three times a week. Because some teacher told my parents I was retarded (they told me this in tears.) due to the fact that I skipped crawling I also had to crawl on my hands and knees as part of the exercise. It was humiliating. We went carb-less for months and months.
I came out a beautiful butterfly.
But in my mind I was still fat and ugly. Whenever I would get noticed it would gross me out. Like, what is wrong with you? Don’t you see that I am a disgusting creature? I couldn’t trust that anyone was sincere. This complex lead to body dismorphia, bulimia, and a coke addiction.
He did a number on me.
I would enter each of these relationships thinking we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. I would hold on to them because I thought that was it. “Finally, someone likes me. Better not screw this up.”
I know my dad loved me. I have to remind myself that he was proud of my accomplishments in Seattle. I also know that he was so sorry for not understanding how to raise a girl.
100 Dates of Summer is making me realize that there is no reason to settle for less than ideal. Hell, shoot for perfection. I’m going on dates with stellar dudes that I never thought would give me the time of day.
AND THEY LIKE ME!!! THEY REALLY LIKE ME!!!
Ladies and gentlemen, please, leave your hangups at the door. You can have what you want. You are worth something, and if someone makes you feel otherwise kick ‘em to the curb. It’s that simple.
I doubt this is the way my dad would like me to come to this realization but it is a way regardless. We never agreed about anything anyways.